Loving forward

A step forwards in love might mean no regrets, but it can also involve a trail of unexpected consequences.

Loving in a particular direction can mean rushing headlong into complexity and occasional confusion, yet I remain compelled to love.

And as love compels me to step forward it creates distance with what I leave behind.

I hadn’t anticipated that.

Yes, the distance of people’s capacity to understand our experiences; but also the distance of fatigue from trying to translate those experiences in a language that might be understood.

Stepping forward means being able to embrace the person I’m moving towards, but it can also mean being further away from some people I’ve known as friends; from the places I frequent for community; and from the professional aspirations I default to for a sense of identity.

The distance exists for a multitude of reasons — sometimes because others cannot move in the same direction; sometimes they will not; and sometimes, for self preservation, I’ve needed to step forward in stealth.

It’s hard to know what I do with this distance as I continue to love forward.

Do I wait for people to catch up? 

Do I leave a trail for them to follow? 

Do I cut my losses and hope for some form of reunion in a grander story of grace?

For now, acknowledging the distance might have to be enough.